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Shame, Power & The Patriarchy

Shame, Power & The Patriarchy

by | Aug 5, 2023 | patriarchy, Perfectionism

Shame has been wielded as a method of control for centuries.

It’s been taught to women and queer folx about our bodies & their sizes or shapes, our sexuality, our personality (Too loud? Too bossy? Too quiet?), our mistakes (“not good enough” syndrome).

It’s leveraged for power everywhere from meeting rooms to magazines.

But what happens when we internalise that shame? When we believe it to be true, and so disconnect ourselves from our authentic needs and desires?

I was travelling in Mexico earlier this year with my partner, and we took a day trip out to the Yaxchilan ruins (which, by the way, are amazing and if you’re in the region, I recommend).

The guide was wonderful and full of knowledge, but about halfway through the day, as we were climbing the never-ending stairs that Mayan ruins consist of, he turned to me and said something along the lines of: “You should lose weight, or you might have a heart attack. It’s not hard, you know?”.

It stung.

It also took a moment for me to realise he was talking to me, because I knew my physical capabilities were more than enough for what we were doing (which gets missed when we carry implicit beliefs, as he did, about how certain bodies should behave or act). 

Now, I knew his intentions weren’t malicious, and so I tried to brush his comment off as we carried on to the next site.  We had an hour to free explore this time, and before long I found a place I was content to sit peacefully.

To bathe in the stillness that was palpable there.

But then the thoughts started creeping in… What if he thinks I’m too unfit to climb these ruins, and that’s why I’m staying here? What if he thinks I’m lazy? What if EVERYONE thinks you’re lazy or unfit?

And so I started to climb.

It was at this moment I realised…. I’d believed a story of shame, and stepped away from my authentic needs and desires. I’d given away my power.

I wasn’t operating from a place of desire, truth or authenticity. I was operating from a place of shame, perfectionism and self-judgement.

Now, the guide had no idea what was happening – none of this was his intention. He’s also one person, and I’m not holding him up as a figurehead of the patriarchy.

But my response was symbolic.

I felt ashamed for the size of my body, not its capabilities.  In response I believed that shame, and started acting out of alignment with my authentic desire, hoping to fill (or exceed!) somebody else’s expectations.

And so I want you to think today about the ways shame stops you from being in your power.

Where do you hold yourself to unnecessarily perfectionistic standards?

What idea do you have that just ‘isn’t ready yet’?

What dream or creative interest do you put off because you’re not ‘ready’?

Where do you prioritise what you are ‘supposed‘ to do, before what you desire to do?

I believe part of remaking the world means connecting with and honouring our authentic selves.

Because as long as we’re living someone else’s story, handing our power away to an external force, we can’t create thriving lives or communities.

You Are Not The Problem

You Are Not The Problem

by | Aug 5, 2023 | Getting Free, patriarchy, Perfectionism, Uncategorized

We live in a world that individualises and otherises systemic problems.

You’re exhausted from working 40+ hours a week, maintaining relationships, cleaning the house, feeding the kids, walking the dog, starting a side hustle or leaning into creative pursuits?  Culture will say that’s you, and you should work on your wellness routine to improve resiliency. 

You’re overwhelmed by the state of the world?  Show up for protests or community events but can’t help but feel anxious and low key terrified of climate change?  Can’t face another day in the news? Yep, culture says another you problem.  You gotta learn better boundaries, or you know, maybe care a little less because you can’t fix everything.

Caught in cycles of perfectionism? Feeling never good enough? Thinking everyone’s soon going to catch on to the fact you don’t know anything and have totally winged your way into this role and OMG #impostersyndrome? That can’t have anything to do with a culture that sells us scarcity and leverages shame for patriarchal power!

(Don’t even get me started on topics like climate change or asylum seeking policies…. individualising and otherising systemic problems is political gaslighting 101)

Now, don’t get me wrong: looking inward is necessary and important, and perfectionism/self-shaming does have roots in trauma, personality & family dynamics. 

My message isn’t to just blame culture, lay back powerless and say “ahh, yes, the problem isn’t here, it’s over there, nothing I can do!”.

It’s to say that our power lays in learning to look both inward AND outward.

To build our sense of agency and resiliency, to know, care & love ourselves, but also to recognise that we’re all products of a toxic system.  

And when we learn that the problem isn’t us, it’s culture, it gives us a wider sphere to work from.

it gives us agency, and the power to hand back the stories that keep us stuck. 

To stop our endless quest to ‘fix’ ourselves, and instead unlearn all the ways the world has said you are not enough, or your actions can’t make a difference. 

Our job as Changemakers is to see the water we live in, so that we can transform it.  

To become free enough to reimagine it. 

Powerful enough that we dare to create it.

Trusting of our intuition and body-knowing to follow our next best step. 

Are you ready?

We live in a world that individualises and otherises systemic problems.

You’re exhausted from working 40+ hours a week, maintaining relationships, cleaning the house, feeding the kids, walking the dog, starting a side hustle or leaning into creative pursuits?  Culture will say that’s you, and you should work on your wellness routine to improve resiliency. 

You’re overwhelmed by the state of the world?  Show up for protests or community events but can’t help but feel anxious and low key terrified of climate change?  Can’t face another day in the news? Yep, culture says another you problem.  You gotta learn better boundaries, or you know, maybe care a little less because you can’t fix everything.

Caught in cycles of perfectionism? Feeling never good enough? Thinking everyone’s soon going to catch on to the fact you don’t know anything and have totally winged your way into this role and OMG #impostersyndrome? That can’t have anything to do with a culture that sells us scarcity and leverages shame for patriarchal power!

(Don’t even get me started on topics like climate change or asylum seeking policies…. individualising and otherising systemic problems is political gaslighting 101)

Now, don’t get me wrong: looking inward is necessary and important, and perfectionism/self-shaming does have roots in trauma, personality & family dynamics. 

My message isn’t to just blame culture, lay back powerless and say “ahh, yes, the problem isn’t here, it’s over there, nothing I can do!”.

It’s to say that our power lays in learning to look both inward AND outward.

To build our sense of agency and resiliency, to know, care & love ourselves, but also to recognise that we’re all products of a toxic system.  

And when we learn that the problem isn’t us, it’s culture, it gives us a wider sphere to work from.

it gives us agency, and the power to hand back the stories that keep us stuck. 

To stop our endless quest to ‘fix’ ourselves, and instead unlearn all the ways the world has said you are not enough, or your actions can’t make a difference. 

Our job as Changemakers is to see the water we live in, so that we can transform it.  

To become free enough to reimagine it. 

Powerful enough that we dare to create it.

Trusting of our intuition and body-knowing to follow our next best step. 

Are you ready?

Asking for What You Want Can be a Revolutionary Act

Asking for What You Want Can be a Revolutionary Act

by | Mar 22, 2023 | burnout, patriarchy, Power

How old were you when you stopped asking for what you want?

As children, we know how to ask. We see something, desire it and express that.  But somewhere along the way, we often learn the idea that it’s bad.

I was about 5 or 6, and remember asking for something and being met with a response containing a lot of fear about our family’s financial situation.  It was a moment of stress, but as a child I internalised the idea that expressing & filling my desires would mean a lack of safety.

And when we stop asking for what we want, we disconnect from our inner wisdom and desire.

What fills the gap are messages from the dominant systems around us: mostly, white capitalist patriarchy.

Systems made of scarcity, domination and control.  (#dietculture, amirite?).

Systems that call women angry, bossy, controlling, a b&*#! if she becomes too powerful or disrupts the status quo. 

And so as women and femmes, we learn to place our needs and wants second or last, whether through kin-keeping, emotional labour or work. 

And a person guilty or afraid to ask for what they want is not a person standing in their power.

This sometimes gets further coopted into spiritualist-capitalism with messages of ‘leaving it up to the universe’ or ‘it’s a sign’.  These messages have value (I say them myself),  but if we say them without *also* asking & expressing what we want, then we’re outsourcing our power.

In turn, we also stop questioning the system, and asking for the world and community we want:

“We can’t afford that”. “That’s just the way the world is”.  “You can’t have everything you want”.  “You can’t trust any politician”. “They’ll never change”.  “What’s the point of voting? My vote doesn’t mean anything”. “I can’t do anything, I’m one person”. 

The result of all of this is 1) the perpetuation of the status quo (which is slowly killing us and thousands of other species), and 2) feeling resentful, drained and burnt out. 

Because if we can’t ask for what we want in our own lives, we can’t ask for what we want in the world.

Self work is world work. 

Asking for what we want, believing we can have it, creating the conditions for thriving in our own lives, plants seeds that allow us to do this in our wider communities. 

Ask yourself these prompts today:

1. Where & how do I hold myself back from asking for what I want?

2. What messages have I received that taught me that asking for what I want is wrong, bad, or that I’m not worthy?

Laura x